Well, Portland – you can put Pastini on the list. Pastini is a Portland, Oregon Italian restaurant chain dishing up authentic Italian pastas. They offer spaghetti and penne in non-wheat versions as well as tiramisu. All of their cream sauces, with the exception of the beschamella also is wheat free. If you live near or are traveling to Portland ( with locations in Portland, Bend, and Corvallis, Oregon) – lift up your forks! I will warn you – it’s still pasta, carb counters. But loosen up once in awhile and have some fun. You know you want to.

Any chance of opening a location a lot farther east, Pastini?  If not, how about an overnight shipment of tiramisu?

(Oh, and if you are looking for affordrable Portland Italian catering, give them a ring.)

First Congregational Church, Detroit,
current location established in 1891…

Location, Location, Location…

The grandest and most brilliant expression of irony, or the biggest “fail” of corporate real estate scouting? When I was a child in Detroit, and later a student, I assumed that I would meet kindred spirits who weren’t sure whether to snicker or marvel at the juxtaposed neighbors. In my years, I have never had another soul even vaguely refer to this in any other way than as if it was routine and ordinary. I sometimes needed to prove to people that the strange parallel universes coexisted, not unlike the skills used in my strange position as one of five people who remember “Can’t Cook/Won’t Cook” or “Manimal” on television.

When I pass, I wonder if the good people of the First Congregational Church were petitioned for their opinions on both restaurant proximity and their sense of humor, and convenience won, or some corporate honcho just saw that the location was on the main drag. You’ve got to give them credit. I would not have been able to tell you where to get chicken sandwiches if it was a few blocks down. My mind wouldn’t have been able to place it. But put it next to the biggest word association billboard there could be, and the brain seals it in.

Now, if you go visit the good people of First Congregational, you will be sure to learn about the “Living Museum” that lies within. If you go to the good people of Church’s, pick me up a side of jalapeno peppers.

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I looked up at my Death by Chocolate cake. “That’s a potato straw.” Then, after a few bites: “That is a caper.”  “That is a chopped strand of endive lettuce.” “That’s a hair. No. Just kidding.”

Some of the visible kitchen staff were wearing uniforms or company T-shirts and had their hair pulled back, some did not. Even so, pony tails flew through the air as cooks and waitstaff whirled around the kitchen and the ordering window.

The only hats I could find that encapsulate hairdos completely without looking like a cheap hair net was at Blue Sky Scrubs. They are usually known for making medical scrubs for men and women (http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/categories/Scrubs/Scrubs-for-Women/)but their head coverings are not industry-specific. I could see the Poppy scrubs hat being worn by pastry chefs. They come in a multitude of patterns, including camouflage, and also many solids.

Okay, it is not really Fudgie the Whale.  That is just what popped into my head.  In fact, I don’t think I know any other name for a traditional whale.  Of course, there are plenty of Killer Whales with names, but I didn’t know any Blue Whales to have a name.  No one would have one as a pet on a show, except of course Aqua Man.  However, I think Aqua Man would have been the 200 ton whale’s “little pet” instead.

Fudgie the whale was and is a Carvel Ice Cream Cake that was brought back in the new millenia.  Why did they think a whale and chocolate ice cream cake went together?  Who knows.  What we do know is that the voice of Fudgie the Whale in commercials was originally that of Tom Carvel himself, letting kids know that they can find Fudgie or Cookie Puss at their local Carvel!  of course, now you can sometimes buy Fudgie at select grocery stores, as I have not seen a Carvel store often aside from on the East Coast.

The very unsettling idea is the prospect of being able to order your very own Fudgie Mascot Costume.  I don’t know if it is officially endorsed by Carvel, or not, but I saw one on a mascot site.  There is a BIG rule of thumb when it comes to costumes.  Aside from the plastic costumes with masks that were around in the 70s through mid to early 80s, until people decided kids couldn’t breathe in those masks, if you have to put the characters name on the front of it to let people know what you are, it is not a good costume!

I would have put more of a tail in the back or had the back part of the whale back there.  Instead of having it like he is standing up on its fin like Jabberjaw.  I would have the costume look like the cake, just with the feet sticking out the front.   Or put the whale sideways and then the persons face is the eye on the side.  There would be no way people wouldn’t know what you were then.   To me, the costume looks like a ginger bread man.

Anyways, I digress…

Oddly enough, all the cakes are Kosher, and if you go to the Brooklyn Carvel, you can even get one that is Cholov of Israel, meaning it is the very highest Kosher certification that you can get.  I did not know there were different levels, but what I am more surprised at is the fact that the cakes are kosher, because I always pictured Kosher foods as somehow healthier.   Oh well.

Maybe I will get a Fudgie the whale cake for someone who is way past kid age as a joke.  However, ice cream to me is no joke.

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Recently, I was corrected.  Who knows why I never bothered to read the company history on the website, but there was actually a Chris that had nothing to do with Ruth. Chris Steak House was in a down and out section of New Orleans when Ruth Fertel decided to buy it in the 1960s.  Instead of changing the name, she called it “Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.”  It sure probably saved a ton of money on signage because she would just have to put a sticky note or tap in a little plywood board to ad the Ruth part.  Pretty ingenius.

Now, Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse is a national chain.  What if someone else bought it.  Maybe a guy name Horatio would buy it and it would be Harold’s Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.  Then, later on a lady would come along and it would be Ellen’s Harold’s Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse.  At that point, they would probably call it EHRCS (pronounced Eric’s).  But then Harold’s wife and Ellen’s husband worked there as equally as they did, even though Ellen and Harold owned it before their respective marriages.  Then, what would happen after that is they would ad little hash marks or little slanted lines under the names, so it would go like this:

That is what would be on the menu, but they would probably come up with some logo with all the names around it, similar to the design of one of those Grandma sweatshirts that has all the kids names on them with hand prints.  Expensive, you say?  Expensive to keep changing the corporate name?  They wouldn’t have to keep changing the name with the U.S. Government.  They would just tack up little boards or signs every time someone new came around or got married.  All the locations would do it and it would be sort of one of those unspoken things.  People in the communities would probably have to come up with their own name for each location based on geography and proximity to the nearest Radio Shack.  Sort of like “Mickey D’s” or “that restaurant by the movie theater.”  Hey, it could work.  You would just have to show up, though, because directory assistance would have no earthly clue what you were talking about.

The Jeffersons I am talking about is the Thomas Jefferson type, who have been around a little bit longer than the ones that have “moved on up.”  In fact, now we can hang out with the 10th generation of the family whipping up great dishes in the kitchen.  Actually, it is more so the 9th generation, but now the 10th generation is in on the act.  On the Jefferson’s table blog, you can read all about the amazing feast that is in store, and you can cook some of the dishes at home.  The latest posting features a recipe for Indian Corn Cookies from the most adorable chef ever.

Nope, she didn’t make cookies and then pop the kernals off corn and transplant them, but it looks real doesn’t it?? You’ll just have to wander over to Jefferson’s table to find out.   If you are feeling froggy, sometime in the future, you might want to pull a physical chair up to the table and visit the Old Masini Adobe in Santa Barbara, where you may partake in an awesome cooking class or a winemaker’s dinner.    You just may “Finally get a piece of the pie!”  I know.  I just had to say it.

You may too late for this year, but you surely can get your food and entertainment. You can eat at the Barbara Fairchild Diner. It is not like a Kenny Rogers Roasters, where it is simply named for a singer. Country Music chart topper Barbara and her husband Roy Morris serve up the sandwiches and the ice cream. They are open from 11:00-3:00, and it all sounds like a lot of fun. I don’t know of anyone who has been there yet, but if you have, comment and let me know how you liked it.  According to a Branson Directory website,  Blair Zell of Geneva, Illinois, was at the Diner on September 5th, and said of the experience: Barbara took our order, delivered our food, and sang to us. What fun!

Yeah, that does sound like fun.  Sounds a lot better at some quaint little sandwiches I have been at in the various places I have lived in where a side of grumpy seems to be on the menu.  It comes even if you don’t order it.

The Hilton Branson Convention Center Hotel is the other Branson property that often has great getaway packages.  In fact, there is a special package for the Cooking School Weekend, which will be held Oct. 16, 2009 – Oct. 18, 2009.  Rooms will only be $199.00 per night with the package.  It’s going to be great.  You’ll learn to make a four course meal and select wines with Chef Nathan.

Many national groups have their shindigs there for several reasons. There is so much to do with over 40 theaters, numerous golf courses, and blocks of shopping. The attendees will never get bored. Secondly, the location is smack dab in the middle of the country, that makes it much easier for people on the east coast and west coasts to meet without making anyone fly the entire way across the country.

Have you been to Branson lately?  Tell me what you ate, and what you thought!

Here is a brief roundup of several new and exciting Bar Stools to give you some pointers.

The pretentious “Mojito” stool is something my eye would immediately go to because of its bright color and streamlined design. However, my butt should never follow. There is no decent way to get up on this slick little number. It is slick to the eye, but also slick to the butt, especially if you are wearing velvet or chenille. You will just find yourself dumped on the floor when you try to pivot on your butt cheeks to try to get a glimpse of the handsome dude down the counter. Sandra Bullock could pull it off, but trust me, you might not be adorable enough.  Well, you could be, but it is not just about looks.  It has to do with comedic timing.  Physical comedy can be a bugger, and you want to make them laugh versus feel very sorry for you poor thing.

The only way this stool should be considered is if it is bolted to the floor.

This little number, I like to call the baby chair. It reminds me of the high chair that grandma had. It had a red seat, and had metal legs. Okay, it is absolutely nothing like this AT ALL, but the proportions are the same. You can see where I am going with this. Don’t sit on this if you are short. It might make other people think of a toddler chair, and it may emphasize your lack of height.

Of course, this is okay if you are among amazons, as the grass is always greener. As much as you would want to be taller, they want to be shorter. Not really. At your age, people have accepted the card they have been dealt, but if this were middle school, there would be many tears.

This model makes up for abject humiliation by being very easy to climb up on. If you see this model, you have to weigh the benefits and see if you rather take a table or will you be bold?

Picture a nearly empty Thai restaurant. Or a sushi bar. Hardly anyone is there because its a meat and potatoes neighborhood. Somehow this restaurant would have been better suited to an artsier fartsier area. I come for the food, but stay for the stools.

Because of the various rungs, I can easily get up on one of these babies easily and semi gracefully. One can put one’s hand anywhere. The drawback? Your keys and wallet could drop through one of those rungs.  DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let this stool fool you. Just because it is marginally comfy and it is easy to get up on, do not be tempted to do THE LEAN!

What is THE LEAN?   Picture yourself in a regular old chair.  You drop your keys or some sort of utensil on the ground. If it is a utensil, and you are seven years old, your mom would say, “Leave it down there.  Don’t pick that up.  The waitress will get it.”  Mom was not saving you from touching a spoon full of germs.  She was saving you from the embarrassment of leaning sideways over a chair, people being able to look down  your shirt and up your skirt, and you falling in a big mess and waking up the whole restaurant.  Of course, you didn’t have anything for people to see back then, but ending up with your underpants topside is embarrassing for anyone over the age of five.   At about three or four, you still show people your puppy print undies with pride.   In my day, it was Wonder Woman Underoos.

The monolithic bar stools at left remind me of a sort of Stonehenge of bar stools. Or maybe Easter Island. They are monolithic. They have a very wide seat to hold the most generous of derrieres. In fact, they may make my trunk look quite compact versus Mac truck size. Oh wait, Mac trucks don’t have trunks in the traditional sense. But they do need to pull a whole trailer for the junk that they would potentially have in it if they had one.There are several drawbacks to these as well, despite the generosity of their seat.

As you can imagine, if these are bolted to the floor, they get a thumb up. If not, this is another stool that you would be enticed to do THE LEAN on but shouldn’t. What my main concern is that someone may shoo you off. You see, the geometric appearance is so tight and perfect, that the weight of you may dimple it, leaving it saggy and baggy.  Any self respecting modernist would come in his/her black turtleneck and frown on you very severely.  Actually, I am mistaken.  You would only see the very slightest curl of the lip corner.  You may barely detect it, but 100 staff members will suddenly scramble into damage control mode when it occurs.

Last but not least is the tulip butt seat.  Okay, its not the “tulip butt” just the tulip.  It is just like the “mislocated asian restaurant” model further up.  There is one difference.  It doesn’t have the key and wallet loser holes in it.  While it may not completely compliment the atomosphere, it is going to be easier to sit on and much more comfortable.  However, what if you decide to pivot?  Will the molded butt imprint on the chair make it difficult.  You are just going to have to report to me from the field so I know what to expect. If you don’t stick, maybe it might need to become the “Official Bar Stool.”

There you have it.   These are the reasons that I do not have the proper credentials to be a barfly. Sorry, Mickey Rourke.  Sorry dude that liked to sit at the Third Street Saloon at Wayne State despite the whole place having plastic tarps for doors. Oh yes, and ordering half cranberry juice and half seltzer water or Vernors doesn’t really lend to “my cred” either.  I’ll stick to the sushi bar…although maybe not because I won’t be able to escape the bar stools of doom.  Maybe I will just have to order take out, and when they ask why I never eat in, I will just tell them I do not meet the height requirement to ride that ride.

This was particularly intersting to me. Here is the Best Western Aku Tiki in Daytona Beach. At right is what they show on the Best Western site. Looks like they are trying to minimize something rather than to play up its kitschy, nostalgicness?

If you have ever driven on Route One, you will not be able to miss the giant Tiki looming over the parking lot of Kowloon’s. The building itself is an area landmark and very common feature of driving directions. “If you pass the building with the giant tiki, you have gone way too far.  What is inside, you are greated by autographed photos of every wrestler Killer Kowalski seemed to have trained plus other celebrities who have come to Kowloon over the years. Plus a brain explodingly large menu.

This restaurant is definitely proud of their tiki.  You won’t see them trying to hide it in brochures like the best western.

There are so many restaurants that are just so-so.  The food wasn’t offensive in any way.   No one in my party got sick or anything like that.  It was just not memorable whatsoever.  When you go to a restaurant and can’t remember what you even orders a few days or a few weeks later, it a sign that either you go there everyday and one day flows into the next, or it was just like any other place.

What if you are looking for more than “just adequate.”  Let’s say that you are going out for a special occasion versus being just desperate to find anyplace at all because your blood sugar is low.  When I am in a new town visiting, say near Philadelphia, I may not be able to depend on opening up the phone book and going to whatever Philadelphia restaurants my finger landed on that weekend.   Otherwise I may end up being shuffled into a place where tourists are “supposed to go to.” They may convince me I am supposed to eat under the Liberty Bell and not get arrested. Tourist hazing.

Instead of that, Restaurantica features over 400,000 restaurants in North America.  I was surprised to see even the little donut shop on the corner listed.  It has amassed this list of names, addresses, and phone numbers in its only five years of existence.  You have an opportunity to post your restaurant reviews to give other visitors a better indication of where to go in town. There is a number rating system for quality that appears to be weighted by number of reviewers and the rating they give. In otherwords, it is very balanced. That one cranky neighbor that is never pleased with anything and just likes to complain can’t tank a restaurant with their single vote, nor can the only guy in town to like a restaurant put it at the top of the list because he is the only one reviewing it.

Check it out, weigh in, and have fun searching. You may even find a place around the corner that you never tried before.