Imagine Susan Pleshette in “The Ugly Dachshund,” but imagine that she spayed the doxies before they had babies, mix some hideous shoes from 1978 into her wardrobe, and add the “Can’t Cook” side of the departed Food Network Show “Can’t Cook/Won’t Cook,” and you will begin to get an idea of what I am all about. My dogs may get high end food, but I was a plain spaghetti and toast girl.
Mom to two sweet and silly dachshunds, daughter of a “Spam and Bisquick” cook, carrier of patent leather purses, collector of 1950s and 1960s kitchen tchotckes that I don’t know how to use, and thankful to God everyday for the quirky world that I am in. When I was nine years old, over a pizza break from processed cheese foods, I told my parents if I ever got married, which I wouldn’t, I would marry someone who owned a pizza place.
Well, be careful what you say, because either God was listening to me, or had plans for me all along, and at nine I was just aware enough of them enough for it to pop out of my mouth. In my twenties, I met a man, unbeknownst to me until we were dating, whose family had owned a pizza place. We are now married and he enjoys doing the cooking. Thank goodness, otherwise it would have been one undercooked meal after another. And my hockey puck cake apparently didn’t scare him away.
Now things have changed, and I need to take on a little more of the cooking. He had a stroke recently at a young age and I, of all people, need to take an active role in preparing meals compatible with his recovery and lifestyle changes.
Where did I go wrong? I always rather hang out with grandpa and make something in the garage than be anywhere near a stove. Or sifting through an antique store for another dachshund shaped butter knife. I don’t think it has anything to do with the homemaking skills not being taught to me, but rather a kind of brain damage or birth defect where the small amount of math needed, and small amount of patience needed just wasn’t stamped into my genetic code.
Hopefully you will be mildly entertained while you learn a few things that you should never do in a kitchen but sometimes must.
