I would have a little problem if I decided to be a barfly. At 5′, you can’t really gracefully plop your rump on a bar stool. You do have several options. You can do the Mt. Rushmore. This is the least graceful of the methods. You climb up the rung and then whip your hand around to the far side of the seat like you are climbing a rock wall. The other option is the “bathtub assistance handle” method. You grab on to the lip of the actual bar, and with one foot on the rung, you gracefully pull yourself up. The key is to distribute your weight properly, so you appear to be alighting the bar stool gracefully, and are just merely placing your hand on the bar for emphasis and are not actually supporting 3/4 of your entire weight with it.
Here is a brief roundup of several new and exciting Bar Stools to give you some pointers.
The pretentious “Mojito” stool is something my eye would immediately go to because of its bright color and streamlined design. However, my butt should never follow. There is no decent way to get up on this slick little number. It is slick to the eye, but also slick to the butt, especially if you are wearing velvet or chenille. You will just find yourself dumped on the floor when you try to pivot on your butt cheeks to try to get a glimpse of the handsome dude down the counter. Sandra Bullock could pull it off, but trust me, you might not be adorable enough. Well, you could be, but it is not just about looks. It has to do with comedic timing. Physical comedy can be a bugger, and you want to make them laugh versus feel very sorry for you poor thing.
The only way this stool should be considered is if it is bolted to the floor.
This little number, I like to call the baby chair. It reminds me of the high chair that grandma had. It had a red seat, and had metal legs. Okay, it is absolutely nothing like this AT ALL, but the proportions are the same. You can see where I am going with this. Don’t sit on this if you are short. It might make other people think of a toddler chair, and it may emphasize your lack of height.
Of course, this is okay if you are among amazons, as the grass is always greener. As much as you would want to be taller, they want to be shorter. Not really. At your age, people have accepted the card they have been dealt, but if this were middle school, there would be many tears.
This model makes up for abject humiliation by being very easy to climb up on. If you see this model, you have to weigh the benefits and see if you rather take a table or will you be bold?
Picture a nearly empty Thai restaurant. Or a sushi bar. Hardly anyone is there because its a meat and potatoes neighborhood. Somehow this restaurant would have been better suited to an artsier fartsier area. I come for the food, but stay for the stools.
Because of the various rungs, I can easily get up on one of these babies easily and semi gracefully. One can put one’s hand anywhere. The drawback? Your keys and wallet could drop through one of those rungs. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT let this stool fool you. Just because it is marginally comfy and it is easy to get up on, do not be tempted to do THE LEAN!
What is THE LEAN? Picture yourself in a regular old chair. You drop your keys or some sort of utensil on the ground. If it is a utensil, and you are seven years old, your mom would say, “Leave it down there. Don’t pick that up. The waitress will get it.” Mom was not saving you from touching a spoon full of germs. She was saving you from the embarrassment of leaning sideways over a chair, people being able to look down your shirt and up your skirt, and you falling in a big mess and waking up the whole restaurant. Of course, you didn’t have anything for people to see back then, but ending up with your underpants topside is embarrassing for anyone over the age of five. At about three or four, you still show people your puppy print undies with pride. In my day, it was Wonder Woman Underoos.
The monolithic bar stools at left remind me of a sort of Stonehenge of bar stools. Or maybe Easter Island. They are monolithic. They have a very wide seat to hold the most generous of derrieres. In fact, they may make my trunk look quite compact versus Mac truck size. Oh wait, Mac trucks don’t have trunks in the traditional sense. But they do need to pull a whole trailer for the junk that they would potentially have in it if they had one.There are several drawbacks to these as well, despite the generosity of their seat.
As you can imagine, if these are bolted to the floor, they get a thumb up. If not, this is another stool that you would be enticed to do THE LEAN on but shouldn’t. What my main concern is that someone may shoo you off. You see, the geometric appearance is so tight and perfect, that the weight of you may dimple it, leaving it saggy and baggy. Any self respecting modernist would come in his/her black turtleneck and frown on you very severely. Actually, I am mistaken. You would only see the very slightest curl of the lip corner. You may barely detect it, but 100 staff members will suddenly scramble into damage control mode when it occurs.
Last but not least is the tulip butt seat. Okay, its not the “tulip butt” just the tulip. It is just like the “mislocated asian restaurant” model further up. There is one difference. It doesn’t have the key and wallet loser holes in it. While it may not completely compliment the atomosphere, it is going to be easier to sit on and much more comfortable. However, what if you decide to pivot? Will the molded butt imprint on the chair make it difficult. You are just going to have to report to me from the field so I know what to expect. If you don’t stick, maybe it might need to become the “Official Bar Stool.”
There you have it. These are the reasons that I do not have the proper credentials to be a barfly. Sorry, Mickey Rourke. Sorry dude that liked to sit at the Third Street Saloon at Wayne State despite the whole place having plastic tarps for doors. Oh yes, and ordering half cranberry juice and half seltzer water or Vernors doesn’t really lend to “my cred” either. I’ll stick to the sushi bar…although maybe not because I won’t be able to escape the bar stools of doom. Maybe I will just have to order take out, and when they ask why I never eat in, I will just tell them I do not meet the height requirement to ride that ride.