I know that some of my readers are running around and doing a chicken little. I have news for you. When I woke up this morning, the sky was still there. It had not fallen. There was a little run in, for sure, when I was riding through the countryside at two A.M. and couldn’t see a thing. Then, I wandered closer to the city and realized that the sky was still there, it was just that the lights were not bright enough for me to see it.
The press about the swine flu has everyone in a tizzy. I have a theory. Those of you in a tizzy are more likely to contract it because you are running down your immune system with panic. Stop it! Also, this is not the first time this has happened. A strain related to H1N1, which is the the more PC name for swine flu, created a Flu Pandemic back in 1918. You might want to travel to AboutFlu.Net and read up, as it is fascinating stuff. It was far more deadly, as we didn’t have the medical advances, breakthroughs in sanitation that we do now. In fact, the new strain would have just been an isolated blip if i were not for our stubborn resolve to travel the world.
Here are the surefire ways to prevent swine flu:
1) Wash your hands regularly. Your mother was right.
2) Take Vitamin C. Richard Woodall was right ***
3) Get ample sleep. The monster under your bed was right.
4) If you look in the mirror and are a pleasant shade of lily green, do not get on a plane. Just ask Samuel L. Jackson. Snakes broke out on his plane. They are green. He doesn’t want any more. Of course, I am being facetious. It is not cool to get on a plane unless you get checked by your doctor to make sure you are merely lactose intolerant, but went to Dairy Queen anyhow, and don’t have swine flu.
5) Do not think a surgical mask will help. It is a poor fashion statement, as well as it doesn’t pass microbes from passing through. Of course, if you are really aiming for just attracting attention, you can just wear a silly hat. A stocking cap like “Where’s Waldo” in the middle of the summer would do well if you are not into anything that won’t pass under a standard door. If you don’t mind bonking your head, a stovepipe is recommended. If you are sincerely concerned, get a respirator or something that has been approved for such purposes. Go back to steps one through four for more effective methods.
6) Above all, don’t go on Spring Break. It is over, of course, but college students and high school seniors insist on going to Cancun all year long. The reason that I suggest this doesn’t have anything to do with the fine establishments south of the border. If you are in your thirties or forties, you are safe. Do you remember all the horror movies where teenagers and college students bent on a night of frivolity get bonked by the monster, the Jason, or the other title character? No matter what, the ones that seem to get the ball rolling on being chomped or infected are of the 16-22 year old demographic. They are inevitably skinnydipping, running along the beach drunk, rolling in the hay at a camp or youth hostel, or just plain sneaking out in their folks’ car. It also has to be summer.
There you have it. Please don’t panic. Be smart. Take precautions. We’ll get through this.
***= Richard Woodall was the 17th century ship surgeon who recommended lemon juice as preventative medicine. Lind came along and took the wind out of those sails and scientifically proved the validity of Vitamin C. Lind gets all the awards.
