TheSnackHound

I don’t normally post jokes and forwards to the blog, but I couldn’t resist sharing this with you: 

Diet Questions Answered
 
  
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this  true?
 
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t  waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
   
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay  and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass  (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
 
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,  that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
 
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
 
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to  one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular  exercise program?
 
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
 
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Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
 
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! …. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
 
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
 
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
 
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
 
 
  
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
 
   
And remember:
 
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO! What a Ride”
 
 AND……
 
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
 
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
  
  
CONCLUSION
 
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 

Hey, here is something that you probably don’t know** (**see footnote).    It is certainly news to me.  

I stumbled across FruitandVeggieville where the latest subject is those labels on fruit.  Kathleen informs us:

Fruit that was conventionally grown, meaning with chemicals, has a four digit number. Fruit that was organically grown consists of five numbers always beginning with the number 9. Other fruit that was engineered genetically have a five digit number that always begins with the number 8.

For some reason I thought the numbers merely were a convenience for the cashier, so they didn’t have to look up the stock code off of that laminated picture menu they have at the register.   Now I know!   It is so much more intricate.  It certainly will be a way for us to navigate around the produce department just merely wondering.

What this doesn’t explain, is how I ended up with an orange awhile back that had an advertisement on its label letting me know I could buy Peter Pan on DVD.   You know how important that is.  Disney will put it “back into the vault” and not let us buy it ever again.  Well, actually, they sell more in another couple years, but just want us to think that they are smashing the master reel so people cash in their life savings to buy them.    They always bluff. 

Upon furter investigation, I found the International Federation for Produce Standards Site.  These people are the masterminds behind the codes.  I looked up several PLU codes.  More specifically, I went backwards and looked up the item.     There are all sorts of varieties of both natural and hybrid fruit, vegetables, and herbs.   

The big mystery for me to unlock was posed to me as I wandered through the “ethnic food” aisle of the grocery store.   Occasionally I like to get Goya Pineapple or Mango Juice.   One time, sort of on a dare, I tried Guanabana juice.   A spiney green orb was on the can, one that appeared like it should never be eaten by anyone.  It really tasted bad to me.   My natural instincts did not head the warning, apparently.   Anyway, according to the site, Guanabana fruit does not exist.   There is no code for it!   At first I thought it was just the Spanish name for something else, but it is never translater, unlike pineapple.    The translation is probably “I am scarey looking, don’t eat me.  I warned you!”  Even little lizards and mice in the desert understand that language, unlike humans who would consider it a dare.

Try not to tax your brain too much.   Four digits means “conventional/regular”, 5 digits starting with a 9 is organic, 5 digits starting with an 8 is frankenfood (sort of).

**=  (A few years ago, spending a big chunk of my childhood in Wisconsin, I probably would have started this off with: Here is something that you pro’lly don’t know, hey?)